Forbidden Love

Have you ever loved someone just because you know it was forbidden? or was it just lust? the fire and passion of two people wanting to be together so bad. Mine was real but it was also messy. the more i devoted myself to him the more i became a property i wasn't my own person in a relationship he saw me as something he could control something he could toy with. he used me played me cheated on me, yet i apologized for giving him a reason to can you believe that like i could truly do some sort of thing to give someone a reason to cheat. i was just so blinded by the manliness the wanting to be my own person for once. By wanting to disobey my father to for once do something exciting as to be with someone they would never approve of. my feelings were sealed tight i knew what i was doing and felt it wasn't love... or was it?  months went by and i knew he'd leave soon. to Virginia with his mother he went. i told him to stay that i loved him. id make him happy give him a reason to stay to want me more then he already desired. To fell the fire in between us the fire we spoke of every late night. the kisses deep within the lust and passion. but was it something i truly wanted to loose my one night to someone who had already expressed he'd leave he no longer wanted to be there. not due to me but due to family. Was i just trying to hold on to the one thing that gave leverage the one thing that made my dad tick the one thing i knew he'd resent me for. He left. 1000 miles plus away. my heart shattered how could he leave me if he loved me was i not enough to make him stay to make him happy. Long distance was not easy but we tried we spent nights on Skype and on the phone scheduled visits. until the worst part came Marcos came back i was lonely he was there to replace the deep hole in what felt was my soul. he made me feel complete again. but my heart still missed Cameron... Cameron was he his name the dark skinned manly sculpted man that had my heart in a trans. but as months went by Cameron distanced himself he called less texted less. what could that have meant. had he moved on had he found a snow bunny like his mom called had he found someone to numb the pain if there even was any. January 23 my birthday no phone call i waited for hours nothing, that day i found out he had been cheating the whole time from before he left. my heart once again was shattered. how could one human being take so many blows to her heart how could she continue to love and love and be taken for granted. i left. i went out. i danced. i drank. i kissed Marcos. i cried. the guilt sat in the pit of my stomach as i dialed Cameron number that Saturday morning to tell him what i had done but before he had to tell me what he had done. i asked 5 times gave him 5 chances to come clean and he didn't. so i didn't either i hung up instead and told him i no longer loved him that the distance was too hard. LIES. it was all lies my heart hurt for him countless nights and mornings i spent crying all weekend in my bed not wanting to see the slightest person. i wanted to drown my sorrows in weed to enlighten my feelings with the feeling of tingling sensation to feel light headed to not care. he didn't understand why i was so upset i deiced maybe it was nothing to give him another chance. so i called. stupid i know. but i was stupid in love so i thought. we fixed things i told him about my kiss with Marcos he was upset at first then said it was fine it worried me but i left it alone. not for long a week later i find out from a friend he had done much worse. he had sex with someone else more then once not once did he decide to tell me. it felt like a bus to hit me. i felt paralyzed. there was no more my heart could take. i resulted to weed to pills to things to numb my emotions to silent my brain. to help me live in now. how many times did a guy have to cheat until i realized it was time to walk away. how could i hang on to someone 1000 plus miles away. so i left. again. this time for good. i told him he was dead to me. there was no friendship no nothing. he ruined it all lied countless times and made me fell unworthy of love like less of a women. he realized months later how much he needed me and loved me and begged for another chance that he'd change he'd be different but my heart couldn't anymore. i couldn't risk it. he swore he'd come back to Texas and see me and make things right make me his again express  his love to me in front of everyone ask for my hand and promise me his life. i didn't want it all i felt toward was disgust how could one love someone so deeply as he said and cheat, sleep with 2 complete strangers something we both said would be special and a first for both of us. well he came to Texas, as i walked down the hall i saw him taller, even more sculpted then before he still my knees weak made my stomach do summer salts, my heart skipped a beat as he began to walk up to me he approached me and held me he let go and said something i was paralyzed as he nodded and walked away with his amazing smirk, oh how i loved this man, i let out the breath i had been holding without realizing. i got back to class sat down and felt the warm tears come down my face my heart still hurt so much just with his sight i didn't want him here i could handle another apologize i couldn't handle a real life conversation with him. i hated him and loved him all at the same time. he asked me to have lunch with him and his friends in a classroom, so i did and the entire time he laughed and made jokes about his new life in Virginia his new life without me far away from me. he looked at me telling my i was beautiful that missed me so much he wanted to come back that he'd be back in 5 months and be with me again. and i lost it i stood up and said NO! he looked confused i stepped back from his reach and said you cant just show up 4 months later and promise and say your sorry and think its okay. IT NOT! i hated you. i cried for so long you had SEX with someone else and told me 2 months later. here i sat and cried missing you while you tried to forget me. why should i forgive you. warm tears raced to the sides of my cheeks. i chocked on sobs. he step forward "Alexis..Please.." i step back again and ran into the wall i said no don't come near me you disgust me i don't feel anything but heart break around you i don't feel love or safety i feel afraid to be with you. Hes tears ran down his face at this time. "Alexis please ill do anything.. I Love You" my heart swelled and his words then sank. i wanted to say it back to run in his arms and be there forever but i couldn't because i had no heart left to give him. he slowly began to get on his knees and i stopped him i said no. its not fair. you cant promise me crap now. the damage is done i didn't love you anymore. (i lied i couldn't take staring at him anymore i wanted to run away, i knew i needed to hurt him so he'd leave) at this point hes on both knees begging me to just forget it all but how could i hugging him kissing him only made me think of the other girls he had already been with. there was no changing the past and there was no future. i helped him up grabbed him hand and looked into his eyes deeply and said "go home Cameron" he stated "I am home, You are home." i shacked my head and said no go back to Virginia we are done. and walked away. not looking back as he screamed my name down the hall. i felt the weight lifted off my shoulders but i also felt the weight sinking my heart. all the life drained from my body. what would i do now besides walk through these halls and pretend to be happy.....